I had a shocking night, could not sleep at all. I can't seem to shut my brain off , it's bad enough having to try and sleep with the pain but when your brain goes into overdrive it's makes it really hard.
I can't stop thinking about all the wonderful blogs out there that I want to read and then there is the list of the "should do's", I know the word SHOULD is mud as far as CBT goes but sometimes I don't have any control over what is going on in my brain.
I don't know how anyone has time to write a wonderful blog , read blogs do daily chores and deal with pain and be a good mother and wife. I know I waste a lot of time smoking and I really want to give up because it's bad for my health and then there's the cost, but I'm scared to give up. I scared that my depression will get worst because I use smoking as a coping tool, I know I should be meditating instead but I find when I meditate it highlights the pain I feel because I can't stop from focusing in on it.
Anyway I must go because I'm feeling very anxious, I think it's because I have so much to learn about blogging and it all seems to much but I really need to do this, I need a purpose other than being a mother and wife, I know that sounds bad but I have lost my identity I don't' know who I am anymore and I'm sick of being identified by my pain and depression I need a new me.