Monday, 21 November 2011

Sleep, where can I get some?

I had a shocking night, could not sleep at all.  I can't seem to shut my brain off , it's bad enough having to try and sleep with the pain but when your brain goes into overdrive it's makes it really hard.

I can't stop thinking about all the wonderful blogs out there that I want to read and then there is the list of the "should do's", I know the word SHOULD is mud as far as CBT goes but sometimes I don't have any control over what is going on in my brain.

I don't know how anyone has time to write a wonderful blog , read blogs do daily chores and deal with pain and be a good mother and wife.  I know I waste a lot of time smoking and I really want to give up because it's bad for my health and then there's the cost, but I'm scared to give up.  I scared that my depression will get worst because I use smoking as a coping tool, I know I should be meditating instead but I find when I meditate it highlights the pain I feel because I can't stop from focusing in on it.

Anyway I must go because I'm feeling very anxious, I think it's because I have so much to learn about blogging and it all seems to much but I really need to do this, I need a purpose other than being a mother and wife, I know that sounds bad but I have lost my identity I don't' know who I am anymore and I'm sick of being identified by my pain and depression I need a new me.


Raven/Missy said...

You are Leanne. A woman, mother, wife etc. You are still the same person you were before your pain started. I know how easy it is for the pain to become one's identity and I still struggle with it. When I do I try to remind myself that I am still the same person despite my condition but it certainly isn't easy.

I also smoke and it has become a coping method for me as well. When my pain is real bad, I chain smoke. I've tried quitting many times, but so far I haven't succeeded for longer than 9 months, but I keep trying.

I understand the mind going crazy thing as well. There are times when I can't sleep because I can't shut my mind off, it is just running around chasing multiple thoughts. It can be exhausting.

You are not alone!

Anonymous said...

Hi just wanted to welcome you to the whole blogging thing (I read Raven's blogs) and to offer some encouragement. I stopped smoking six months before I got married. I was worried about the impact it would have on my pain and depression, but it does not seem to have had any effect, either for better or worse. If anything, I have become slightly less anxious since stopping. I do hope you can find the strength to stop too.