Friday, 10 February 2012

To tell or not to tell, what age do you tell your kids about your depression?

I can't tell you how bad I feel at the moment,  I feel I am a bad Mother.  It has come to our attention that my Son is behind with Maths and it's my fault.  It seems that as I have been battling with pain and depression that my Son has become another victim of this cruel disorder.  I knew this would happen I could see it coming, I did try to avoid it but I failed.

I have been getting my Son tutored for years now as I have not had the strength or brains ( My brain simply refuses to work now ) to do it myself,  in saying that I do help to a certain degree.

I thought I was doing the right thing, not wanting him to slip through the cracks.  We stopped getting him tutored last year as we thought all was well, but that's far from the fact.  I now have to pick up the pieces and get him up to speed.

I feel I owe him an explanation, otherwise he might think I just don't care.

What is a good age to tell your children that you have depression???   I was always going to tell him at some stage, because that's how you stop the stigma that has attach itself to the label we are given.

But I'm scared it will affect him in some way, maybe with self blame or I don't know what else but something.   I'm not embarrassed ( maybe a little ) but it's the fear of how he will take it.

I only have one Son, how did I screw things up?, I thought I had it covered.

What will I do????

Monday, 6 February 2012

Self worth.

It has been a long time since my last blog entry and I'm finding it difficult to get back into it.

I am having a battle with anxiety at the moment,  I thought it was coming from nowhere as I was not thinking thoughts of "I'm useless" or "I'm fat", but when I think about it as you do with CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy ) it seems to be coming with my issues with self worth.

How do you get any self worth when

  •               You don't work.
  •               You can't keep your house spotless due to physical limitations
  •               Your not the perfect Mother or Wife.
  •               Self image.

In the past a lot of my self esteem would come from work,  I loved going to work and doing a good great job, I felt I had a purpose, if I didn't do certain things it would have an effect on other people.

I know if I don't do certain things it affects my husband or son, so why does it feel different?  Why is it that I don't feel important?  Don't get me wrong, they try to make me feel important and loved but it's not enough, I need to feel it for myself.

I feel my brain is dying, I need something stimulating.  The trouble is I don't have the self discipline to sit in front of the computer and teach myself something that I feel is interesting.

I guess I need to work on the anxiety issues I have,  but it's hard to get passed feeling anxious to work on feeling anxious, if that makes sense.

I want to scream!  Maybe I should, it might make me feel better.  No it didn't just made my throat sore.
I find it hard to sit with anxiety, I don't know why.   It can't kill me so why do I try and avoid it.

How do you deal with anxiety?

  • A big thank you to Jeanne for the kind messages over the Xmas period.
  • Sorry for the messy post can't  work out how to use this format.