Friday, 10 February 2012

To tell or not to tell, what age do you tell your kids about your depression?

I can't tell you how bad I feel at the moment,  I feel I am a bad Mother.  It has come to our attention that my Son is behind with Maths and it's my fault.  It seems that as I have been battling with pain and depression that my Son has become another victim of this cruel disorder.  I knew this would happen I could see it coming, I did try to avoid it but I failed.

I have been getting my Son tutored for years now as I have not had the strength or brains ( My brain simply refuses to work now ) to do it myself,  in saying that I do help to a certain degree.

I thought I was doing the right thing, not wanting him to slip through the cracks.  We stopped getting him tutored last year as we thought all was well, but that's far from the fact.  I now have to pick up the pieces and get him up to speed.

I feel I owe him an explanation, otherwise he might think I just don't care.

What is a good age to tell your children that you have depression???   I was always going to tell him at some stage, because that's how you stop the stigma that has attach itself to the label we are given.

But I'm scared it will affect him in some way, maybe with self blame or I don't know what else but something.   I'm not embarrassed ( maybe a little ) but it's the fear of how he will take it.

I only have one Son, how did I screw things up?, I thought I had it covered.

What will I do????

Monday, 6 February 2012

Self worth.

It has been a long time since my last blog entry and I'm finding it difficult to get back into it.

I am having a battle with anxiety at the moment,  I thought it was coming from nowhere as I was not thinking thoughts of "I'm useless" or "I'm fat", but when I think about it as you do with CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy ) it seems to be coming with my issues with self worth.

How do you get any self worth when

  •               You don't work.
  •               You can't keep your house spotless due to physical limitations
  •               Your not the perfect Mother or Wife.
  •               Self image.

In the past a lot of my self esteem would come from work,  I loved going to work and doing a good great job, I felt I had a purpose, if I didn't do certain things it would have an effect on other people.

I know if I don't do certain things it affects my husband or son, so why does it feel different?  Why is it that I don't feel important?  Don't get me wrong, they try to make me feel important and loved but it's not enough, I need to feel it for myself.

I feel my brain is dying, I need something stimulating.  The trouble is I don't have the self discipline to sit in front of the computer and teach myself something that I feel is interesting.

I guess I need to work on the anxiety issues I have,  but it's hard to get passed feeling anxious to work on feeling anxious, if that makes sense.

I want to scream!  Maybe I should, it might make me feel better.  No it didn't just made my throat sore.
I find it hard to sit with anxiety, I don't know why.   It can't kill me so why do I try and avoid it.

How do you deal with anxiety?

  • A big thank you to Jeanne for the kind messages over the Xmas period.
  • Sorry for the messy post can't  work out how to use this format.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Here comes that old familiar feeling again.

It has taken Me a little over a week to get back into writing, all though I'm finding it difficult.

It was just over a week ago that anxiety hit me hard. It has been a long time since I have felt it that bad, to be honest I had forgotten just how bad it can get.

It's hard to put into words how this anxiety feels, it is different to the normal everyday anxiety( not that having anxiety everyday is normal ), it's like a wave washing over me, stopping me in my tracks followed by a sickening feeling it the pit of my stomache, light headed, tingles all over my body, ringing in my ears and a terrible feeling of doom and that I might even die.

The last time I felt like that wasn't good I ended up in hospital, so to say I was scared is an understatement.

Why did this terrible feeling decide to pay me a visit? Well I think it's a combination of things, like the weather( rain rain go away ), increase in pain and symptoms, stress of Christmas and the big one PERFECTIONISM.

So what did I do to help ease the symptoms of anxiety?, not be hard on myself and to accept the fact that I needed to rest ( easier said than done ).

I am feeling a little better but still have a long way to go.

Remember be kind to yourself always.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Bad weekend Anger came to visit!

Do you ever get angry for no reason?  I felt I was going to explode, I was so angry.  My poor family would ask "what is wrong" but that seemed to make it worst I was like a crocodile snapping at anyone who even looked my way.

O.K I really do know the reason for most of my anger and yes of coarse it was my pain level's,  what I should have done was to find a cave to hide in and not see anyone but life doesn't work that way when your a wife and mum you can't just disappear.

I don't always get really angry when my pain gets bad, most times I just sit in a corner and not say much.  Maybe it is partly hormonal, I really don't know, what I do know is that it's hard to control and hard not to let it take over because that's when you end up saying things you can't take back, things you don't really mean.

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Rain go away.

It has benn raining cats and dogs here. I hate it when it rains because I find that my pain is stronger and that my motivation to do anything is low. Does anyone else find their pain is stronger when it rains? My specialist did tell me that it has something to do with more pressure on the atmosphere, I am yet to look into this but I have heard of people being able to predict rain by how they feel.

I had plans last night to go out for dinner with some friends that I don't get to see very often but could not bring myself to go, to sore and to tired and then there was the fear that someone would ask how I was and I know I would have burst into tears, I didn't want to bring anyone down. Let's face it, no one wants to sit around watching a friend fall apart, it would have made it uncomfortable for my friends, and I wanted them to enjoy there night.
I do have a fear that they will stop asking me out since I rarely go, I hope they don't.

Speaking of friends, I am so happy to have my first blogging friend at, I have received some wonderful advice and support. It's funny how someone you have not met can have such an impact on how you feel. I always feel better when I read her comments, I guess it's that she understands what it's like to have the pain and depression and my other friends don't understand, not from lack of trying but until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes you never really get it.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Thank you.

A big thank you to Craftgirl78 and Raven/Missy for your encouragement and support.  I have been feeling really bad with my depression and pain and to have your comments really means a lot to me.

As far as giving up smoking goes, I think I will wait until I'm feeling stronger.  I know it sounds like the usual excuse not to stop but I do not want to set myself up to fail I have many other things that I feel I have failed at so I don't need another one to add to it.

I'm meeting a good friend today that I met at a pain support group, that sadly that is no longer around.  I will have to find the strength to get myself together to go.  Don't get me wrong I do want to see her but at the moment I really want to isolate myself and not see anyone.  This is a big problem I have when I'm feeling really depressed and I know it's not good for me to give in because it only makes it worst.  It's very hard not to give in and find a cave somewhere and hide from life.  The amount of energy it takes just to have a shower is ridiculous,  I hate it that depression can leave you feeling so tired all the time.

Time to go and get ready, I hope.   Have a nice day.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Sleep, where can I get some?

I had a shocking night, could not sleep at all.  I can't seem to shut my brain off , it's bad enough having to try and sleep with the pain but when your brain goes into overdrive it's makes it really hard.

I can't stop thinking about all the wonderful blogs out there that I want to read and then there is the list of the "should do's", I know the word SHOULD is mud as far as CBT goes but sometimes I don't have any control over what is going on in my brain.

I don't know how anyone has time to write a wonderful blog , read blogs do daily chores and deal with pain and be a good mother and wife.  I know I waste a lot of time smoking and I really want to give up because it's bad for my health and then there's the cost, but I'm scared to give up.  I scared that my depression will get worst because I use smoking as a coping tool, I know I should be meditating instead but I find when I meditate it highlights the pain I feel because I can't stop from focusing in on it.

Anyway I must go because I'm feeling very anxious, I think it's because I have so much to learn about blogging and it all seems to much but I really need to do this, I need a purpose other than being a mother and wife, I know that sounds bad but I have lost my identity I don't' know who I am anymore and I'm sick of being identified by my pain and depression I need a new me.